Welcome to the world, unnamed royal baby!
The joyous news broke early on Monday. At “0526hrs,” according to the uptight chronologists across the pond, the Duke (Prince Harry) and Duchess (Meghan Markle) of Sussex put the finishing
An unofficial Town Crier announces the birth of a baby boy born to Britain’s Prince Harry and Meghan, the Duchess of Sussex, outside Windsor Castle in Windsor, south England, Monday May 6, 2019, after Prince Harry announced that his wife Meghan, Duchess of Sussex, has given birth to a boy. (Alastair Grant / AP)
The official announcement relied upon the passive-tense semantics of a horror flick synopsis: “The Duchess of Sussex has been delivered of a son.” She didn’t deliver a son, as mere mortals might. She was delivered of a son, which sounds like an exorcism. But now that this overdue bundle of joy is finally out of her body, let us rejoice with a round of Pimm’s Cups and a repeat binge of The Crown.
There was no immediate photo evidence, something that may spur the conspiracy theorists in tinfoil fascinators who have already wondered if a) Markle was actually pregnant, or b) if she had already given birth. But with mother and child cocooned inside Frogmore Cottage, Dad stared down the waiting cameras to confirm what the freelance town criers had spoiled minutes earlier.
“I’m very excited to announce that Meghan and myself had a baby boy, um, early this morning, a very healthy boy,” said, um, Prince Harry, as two black stallions looked on from background stables, presumably still contemplating this weekend’s Kentucky Derby. “Um, mother and baby are doing incredibly well. It’s been the most amazing experience I could ever possibly imagine. How any woman does what they do is beyond comprehension.”
What do you think?
At this point, um, he touched the sides of his head and, um, made his hands explode outward in slow motion, the universal gesture of mind blown. That Harry was left “beyond comprehension” by the controlled madness he witnessed in the birthing pool was rather endearing. You often get the sense Harry is along for the ride, that he is willing to make dramatic life changes — hot yoga, random veganism, blood feuds, move to Africa — to ensure his American bride is happily freed of tradition.
But on Monday, Harry didn’t look conflicted or obstinately “modern.” He looked ebullient in a timeless way. And it’s a good thing he’s already established the bearded look, because in the weeks ahead there will be no time for shaving, bathing, eating, sleeping or even remembering what day it is.
Change diapers, Prince. Repeat.
This is the short-range outlook.
But beyond the precise time and baby weight — 7 pounds, 3 ounces — the media had very little info to transmit to royal followers. Harry and Meghan shunned advance knowledge of the baby’s sex, a decision that no doubt irked nursery decorators. And they still haven’t decided on a name, though Harry self-imposed a Wednesday deadline for “this next bit.”
I still have my fingers crossed for “Kanye Jon Snow, Earl of Dumbarton.”
This absence of deets — no photos, no names, no official title — created a void for the international press, which was suddenly forced to get creative with rush coverage. So we had stories about how relatives were “delighted,” and congratulatory tweets from non-royal celebrities, including Ellen DeGeneres: “The baby is 7th in line for the throne, which is crazy, because right now I’m 7th in line for the key-making kiosk at my grocery store.”
Since the only known fact was the date, May 6, there was also an odd spike in astrology. The Express said the baby was “born under the influence of Taurus the Bull” and, as such, is likely to be “patient,” “reliable,” “headstrong and grounded.”
Elle noted Taureans are “amazing friends, colleagues and partners” who “value honesty above all else and are proud that their personal relationships tend to be drama free.”
Hopefully, this zodiacal prediction does not warrant an eventual correction.
Good Housekeeping, while quoting boilerplate from The Horoscope Co., said the new baby is on track to be “decisive” and “faithful,” but may also be inclined to “run away from uncertainty in any aspect of life.”
And somewhere Thomas Markle wept and nodded knowingly.
If I can get in on this cosmic speculation, the new baby is also entering a world in which psychological games are common and A-list family friends, including Oprah, will be the norm. With this in mind, I’d simply point out May 6 also happens to be the birthday of both Sigmund Freud and George Clooney, a fellow who has publicly defended Markle in recent weeks. Thanks to Wikipedia, I can tell you May 6 is also the anniversary date of the Hindenburg disaster and the 2010 Dow-Jones “Flash Crash,” which Donald Trump seems determined to one-up this week.
But let’s not focus on any ominous signs today.
No, let’s just enjoy a shot of good news on a day when a new UN report claims 1 million species now face extinction and Game of Thrones was marred by an errant Starbucks cup that was inexplicably left in a shot on Sunday night.
The world has gone topsy-turvy. But the royal baby is finally here.
And with any luck, he will be a force of good for decades to come.